Backstage
by thir13enth
Summary: Oneshot. Without the cameras rolling, the Naruto characters complain about the roles they play as actors...others take the time to have some fun.


**Well then, a few moments of inspiration from apparently out of nowhere creates a completely new dimension. **

**Enjoy!**

**-Midori Fujiwara

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"Dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed, putting his thumb up in front of him.

The backroom lights turned on, the camera stopped recording, and all the actors regained their movement, the show over for the moment.

"Good job, Naruto! You're getting better and better at the enthusiasm everyday!" Sasuke exclaimed, putting out a hand for Naruto to clap, which Naruto avoided, putting his hands in his pocket.

"When does my character _die_? I hate playing this stupid idiot character. I mean, I'm completely opposite of this Uzumaki Naruto person!" Naruto complained.

"Naruto's the main character. He _doesn't _die," Sakura said, walking into the conversation.

"And as always, Sakura's right!" Sasuke agreed, putting his arm around Sakura's shoulders.

Sakura kicked Sasuke in the gut. "Get off me, duck-butt bastard! How many times do I have to explain that just because I like you in the show does _not _mean I like you for real!"

"Sheesh, so violent," Sasuke groaned, standing back up from the floor.

"I mean, seriously, with the auditions I thought I was sure to get the Uchiha Sasuke role, just because it's easier to not be fake. I mean, it's not easy to act all happy and cheerful and shit all the time! And, a fucking toad? Dude! I wanted the pet snake!" Naruto ranted.

"Well it's not like your role is bad. I mean, you're the main character! You get the most screen time than all of us," Sasuke chirped. "I'd switch with you any day, but I kind of like being the center of ladies' attention."

"Actually Sasuke, you get the most screen time out of all of us because you double as Itachi," Tsunade corrected, walking into the argument.

Sasuke shrugged, smiling. "Well it's not my fault that all I have to do is draw in lines on my face with a pen to transform into Itachi. But I mean, it takes skill to be both Sasuke and Itachi on the same screen."

"It's called Adobe Photoshop," Kakashi reminded Sasuke, as he walked by, pulling off his mask. "You know Naruto, at least you don't have to hold your breath through your whole screen time. I can't _breathe _through this fucking mask."

"Stop whining, Kakashi," Tsunade said. "_I _have to stuff cotton, newspaper, and a balloon into my shirt in order to get that 106 centimeter requirement my character has. It sucks because I can't see my feet and I feel like I'm about to fall over any second!"

"At least your shirt isn't fishnet and see-through," Anko pointed out. When she said this, the guys looked over to her direction, and she buttoned her trench coat. "And purple hair dye? That's costs a lot out of my pocket you know?"

Hinata nodded angrily in agreement. "We purple-haired character should go on strike. We don't get enough screen time to pay for the dyes! Especially me! I'm just twiddling my fingers and stuttering like I'm autistic!"

"Don't say that, your character's just shy," Sakura said.

Hinata rolled her eyes. "She has to come out sometime now."

Sakura shrugged and sarcastically said, "And pink is the most natural hair color. My mother doesn't approve of anything out of the ordinary. I always have to re-dye my hair a natural color whenever she decides to show up."

Lee's wig flew out into the air, landing on the pile of costumes that the complaining actors had made. He scratched his head and enjoyed the wind that blew through his scalp. "Ah…"he gasped. "It's good to not have a bowl-cut!"

On the other hand, Guy was having another rage. "This…suit….is giving me erectile dysfunction!" Guy stormed, passing Kakashi on the way into the bathroom, accidently bumping him.

"Ow…crap!" Kakashi said, his finger poking into his left eye. "Watch where you're going next time!" Kakashi blinked his eyes. "Can someone help me get my contact out?"

Orochimaru dried his face off with a towel, all the makeup coming off his face. "Be right there."

Kakashi stepped up to him, pulling his left eyelid open. "Can you see it? It's red and has those black swirls on it."

"Yeah," Orochimaru said, quickly poking at the edge of the contact before balancing it on his finger, returning it to Kakashi.

"Thanks mortal enemy," Kakashi joked.

Orochimaru raised his hands in exasperation. "Why does everyone hate me? I have good karma! I go to church every Sunday! But I'm always playing the bad guy…"

Kakashi shrugged and put his head in the sink to wash out the hair gel and white dye. "I don't know. But you make it lots of times to the top ten popularity list."

Choji suddenly ran into the bathroom stall and hurled several times. He then flushed the toilet and pushed Kakashi away from the sink, gargling and rinsing his mouth. "My character eats so much! I'm getting sick of barbeque and pork rinds. God, they asked for a big eater, but not even my stomach can handle it!" Choji lifted his shirt and pulled on a tab, which slowly deflated the fat suit he wore.

On the other side of the room, Sai and Neji were helping Zetsu get his accessory off his head. Zetsu pulled at his Venus flytrap collar as well. "My head is too big!" he moaned.

"It's coming off, have patience," Sai said, pushing against Zetsu's head a bit more.

Neji suddenly dropped his side of the effort and started laughing.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" Sai asked angrily, having a feeling it was about himself. He dropped Zetsu's Venus flytrap.

"Hey guys? Shit!" Zetsu cursed as he fell forward with the weight of his costume. "Can you guys bitch later and help me out?"

"It's just so funny how you dress so gay in the show," Neji cackled.

"Well one day, Masashi Kishimoto didn't have enough fabric so now I'm stuck with this," Sai defended. "It wasn't my choice!"

"Guys!" Zetsu begged.

"Hey! My stunt double sprained his ankle!" Shikamaru called.

"I got it!" Ino volunteered, making her way across the room.

"Idiot!" Shikamaru accused. "You're a medic on the _show_, not for real."

"I can try," Ino said, scissors in her hand. "I've seen it on Grey's Anatomy."

Kabuto stepped up to them. "You don't use _scissors,_" Kabuta scolded.

"See, Ino?" Just leave it to Kabuto," Shikamaru said. "He probably knows what he's doing."

Kabuto pulled out a wrench from his back pocket. "You just have to screw the joint back in."

"Oh god, no!" Kisame yelled, rushing in and pushing the wanna-be doctors away. "You guys can't handle this. Call in a stretcher or something!" Meanwhile, Kisame removed his fangs from his mouth.

"I'm a stretcher! I'm a stretcher!" Tobi yelled, bouncing in and standing up straight before bending down to touch his toes. "See? I _stretch_!"

"I can't _believe _the producers didn't have enough money that they _had _to hire an eight year old for Tobi," HIdan shook his head, observing from across the room, taking off his Jashin pendant before replacing it with a pentagram instead. He stepped out of his Akatsuki costume to reveal completely black clothing.

"Well, with Youtube and illegal downloading, there's lots of lost money. Besides, you can get away with child labor by just saying it's an internship," Kakuzu commented.

"Still the cheap one, are you?"

"With the recession, I _wish _I could be paid for dead bodies."

The three Sand shinobi dropped their heavy equipment at the same time: Gaara, his gourd; Temari, her fan; and Kankuro, his puppet.

"We're going to get early arthritis," Temari groaned.

"I feel the rain coming already," Gaara added.

Kankuro shrugged, pulling off his hood and wiping white makeup on his sleeve. "Crap," he said, suddenly remembering. "Now I have to wash this…again."

Gaara got up and started dancing around and shaking, twisting and turning. When Sasori asked, Gaara explained that he didn't like how the sand made him itchy.

"Hey Tenzou!" Karin called. When he didn't respond, she called for him a bit louder.

"What?" Yamato asked, turning. "Oh sorry, Karin, I didn't recognize my own name! I'm usually called by my show name so much…"

"That's fine. I just need to reach that top shelf," Karin said, pointing upwards. "Do you mind grabbing that box for me?"

Yamato did so and Karin thanked him, quickly running off to Suigetsu. She handed the box to him and pecked him on the cheek. "Now we have some genuine time together," she said.

"Aw…how sweet of you, I can almost forgive you for how mean you are on the show to me," Suigetsu cooed. He opened the box and grabbed a handful of chocolates to pour into his mouth.

"I never understood how you could take all that sugar at once," Karin said.

Anko walked by, casually stealing a chocolate from their box.

"Hey!" Suigetsu shouted. "_Ask _next time!" He swung his mighty sword to Anko's neck.

Anko brushed the blade off. "I'm not scared of you. Your sword is _cardboard_."

And she bent it to prove so.

Suigetsu frowned. "The show's visual effects make it seem like it can really kill though."

"Don't let her get to your head," Karin said softly, patting his head.

"Has anyone seen my lithium?" Juugo bellowed, ravaging through the room. "If I don't find it in time, I'll get a completely different personality change…and it won't be acting this time!"

Tenten found Juugo's medication under some script pages. "Here," she said, tossing it over before glancing at the new scripts.

"Hey guys, look! Here's the next episode script!" she called.

Minato came rushing over. "Am I in? Am I in?"

Tenten flipped through a few pages. "No," she answered. "It's just some more Naruto and Sasuke stuff. Looks like another fight."

"It's always us two. It's like Kishimoto is implying that we're gay or something. I _hate _acting," Naruto complained loudly.

Sasuke peered over Tenten's shoulder. "Look, Naruto. I think I kill you in this one."

"Wonderful," Naruto said. He thought a bit. "No, you can't kill me. I'm the main character. I don't think I'll ever die."

"Hmm…" Sasuke reconsidered. "Well hopefully the audience is stupid enough to not realize that so that they enjoy the show's tension a bit more."

Haku and Zabuza came up to Tenten, asking if there were any random people they had to play.

"Oh yeah, there are some random ANBU units for a few moments."

"Great," Haku said. "ANBU is the best because their disguises are easiest."

Zabuza agreed, adding, "When do you think the audience is going to start noticing how all the random people have practically the same hairstyles?"

Haku shrugged. "Comb your hair in the other direction this time. Or ask Kakashi for some gel to spike it."

Kakashi shook his head. "Nope, I'll need the whole can to get it as messy as it's portrayed."

Shino stopped to pick up Come Come Tactics.

"Hey Kakashi, your book," he said, opening it to a random page. "Hey! This is—"

"Great Expectations. Charles Dickens. I only pasted the cover picture on it. I have to read it for my Literature course. I have nothing else to do anyway, besides act slack, cool, and make sure I run on Cuban time."

"Lucky," Naruto said. "Easier than 'cloning' myself a thousand times and dressing as a girl in a bathing suit."

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**Well, so ends this story. Maybe if it's funny enough I'll continue with another chapter. Please review! If you don't mind, rate from 1-10 (10 being most funny) so that I can find out if I'm just laughing at my own jokes in my insanity.**

**Thanks for reading and I beg for reviews!**

**-Midori Fujiwara**

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